Mr Beilschmidt
by pupeez4eva
Summary: In which Prussia becomes a teacher, and no one is happy about it (featuring crying students, angry students, terrified students, and Prussia...being Prussia).


When Germany goes to tell Prussia to hurry up, because Americans are too loud, and now that the World Conference is over he _really_ just wants to go home, Prussia tells him he won't be coming with him. Because apparently he has a _job_ now. As a teacher, in some American high school.

Germany opens his mouth to ask Prussia how the hell he managed that, and then closes it, considering his options. He hasn't had a vacation in a while and…Prussia will be fine. He's resourceful. And the thought of peace and quiet…oh, maybe he'd even be able to get rid of Italy for a while. Wouldn't that be just wonderful? Some good German beer, a crackling fire place, and dead silence — yes, Prussia would be just fine.

"Good to hear," Germany tells Prussia. "Take as much time as you need."

...

Shockingly enough, Prussia actually had found a job at a local American high school. He probably shouldn't have gotten it, since he had no credentials, no qualifications, and didn't even live in America, but…the Principal was both desperate and terrible at his job.

After listening to a five minute spiel about Prussia's awesomeness, he'd simply nodded his head, and asked, "that's great, but you didn't answer my question — have you ever done drugs before?"

"…Uh, well, you see…"

"Alright, let me rephrase that — would you ever sell drugs to the students?" (Again — he was _very_ desperate. And very, very bad at his job).

No response.

"…Would you ever be _caught_ selling drugs to the students by someone who wouldn't be willing to let it slide?"

"Of course not! I'm awesome!"

"…You're hired!"

(Yeah, someone really needed to fire that Principal).

...

Prussia walks into his first class, cheerily humming, and the students remain oblivious to the upcoming insanity. He receives a few raised eyebrows and dubious looks as people peer at his white hair, and strange red eyes, but for a few moments, that's as far as it goes.

And then…he starts talking.

And talking.

And talking.

His class sit still, eyes wide, wondering what the hell happened to the education system in this country. Then they remember what school they are in, and inwardly sigh with reluctant acceptance.

"Does anyone know what Prussia is?!" Prussia demands, staring around the room with narrowed eyes. There is a strange glint in his eyes, which makes an number of students reconsider answering — it's a look that screams, _'get this wrong, and I will end you.'_

"No one?"

Silence.

"How can you not know what Prussia is?!" he yells, a note of hysteria in his voice. "It is the most awesome nation ever! It _radiates_ awesomeness! All those other loser nations should bow down, and simply accept that they will never, ever be as awesome as the great Prussia — and not just because they are born losers, but also because you don't just _learn_ to be awesome, children, you are either born with it or you aren't, and Prussia — well Prussia is the very embodiment of awesomeness. _You!"_

He jabs a finger at the small crowd of students, and a boy sitting in the front row freezes in terror.

"What's your name?" Prussia demands.

"Uh — Thomas," the boy chokes, sounding more than a little panicked.

"Okay then Thomas — tell me, why is Prussia awesome?"

Thomas sat still, his eyes wide in horror. "I — I don't know," he choked. "I, uh, mean — "

"You don't _know?!"_ Prussia yells, slamming his fist on the desk. "You don't know why the epitome of awesomeness is awesome?! What kind of unawesome answer is that?!"

"I — I don't know!" Thomas lets out a choked sob. "It — it — it sounds like a cool place!"

Prussia relaxes. "It is very cool."

"So cool!" Thomas wails, tears rolling down his cheeks.

The rest of the class stare in horror.

...

The Principal passes him in the hallway, and asks him how his first day went.

"Fucking awesome," Prussia replies.

"Well that's good!" the Principal responds cheerfully. "And also, don't use the 'f' word in the corridors!"

Prussia rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, where the loser students might here me…"

"Oh, I don't care about them," the Principal replies, waving his hand dismissively. "I'm more worried about…well, as they say, the walls have ears, and those ears happen to belong to snitchy little teachers, who would happily report us, believing it was the 'right' thing to do. And we could get sued!"

For a guy who hired a man with no qualifications or credentials, he sounds awfully concerned about that.

...

Prussia's classes continue in the same fashion for a few more lessons, until, finally, someone speaks up. The girl in question — Ada, or Ava, or something along those lines — raises one hand, and Prussia nods in her direction.

"You. Girl," he says.

"Ada," the girl replies, and yay, his awesome guessing skills were on point yet again. "Uh, I just wanted to say…this is…this is an _American_ history class."

Prussia stares at her. "Your point?"

"Uh…you keep talking about Prussia." She shuffles awkwardly.

Prussia rolls his eyes, and lets out a loud huff. "I'll get there eventually!" he retorts. "Just wait for a bit, that unawesome independence thing is coming soon."

"…You mean the _War of Independence?"_ Ada asks incredulously.

"Yeah." Prussia nods. "That thing."

"But — you're talking about the origins of Prussia right now!"

Prussia glares at her. "Yeah, and if you _stopped talking,_ I'd be able to get back to the awesomeness that is my teaching!"

A boy says, nervously, "er, actually, I kind of find this interesting — "

 _"KID!"_ Prussia roars, and the boy jumps in alarm. "Shut the hell up, would you?! Dammit, what is _with_ nobody shutting up around here?!"

The boy gapes.

The kid sitting next to him nudges him, and hisses, "loser."

Prussia beams. "You know, that's my favourite word after 'awesome'!" he announces gleefully. "Hey everyone, see that kid over there — he is on his way to being awesome. Of course, he still has a long way to go, but that's more than I can say about the rest of you losers! Kid — keep calling people 'loser' and you'll be getting an A for sure."

...

"Now — back to the awesomeness that is my teaching — "

Ada's eye twitches. "How much longer before we get to _American_ history?" she demands.

"Stop complaining!" Prussia snaps. "I'm about to tell you about how he awesome Prussians defeated the loser Austrians!"

"…You realise we have an exam on this, right? One that we're probably all going to fail if you don't start teaching us some useful information!"

Prussia glares at her. "…You're a real loser."

Ada glares back.

Since there's no way Prussia is going to turn away first — _so_ not awesome — he keeps glaring at her as he resumes his lesson. "Now — back to the awesome battle, in which the Prussians were totally winning — "

...

To the relief of all his students — and the majority of the student body, really, because Prussia keeps spreading rumours about the teachers, and stealing the younger kids' milk boxes, and accidentally ramming into teachers' cars — he eventually gets fired.

It's not his terrible teaching skills that lead to this momentous event. It's not the fact that all his students fail their mid-term exams, with some of the lowest scores the school has ever seen.

No, it's because he tries sneak the kids off to Germany, to visit the grave of Frederick the Great — despite their protests that this has _nothing to do with the subject whatsoever._ The Principal sends three teachers after them, and then proceeds to have a panic attack in his office as he realises that, _'no credentials, no qualifications, not even a teacher, WHAT?',_ and then promptly fires Prussia when he returns the next day.


End file.
